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Every Funeral Ever

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Ah, the Irish funeral. A unique blend of sorrow, laughter, and more than a hint of chaos. It’s a bit like trying to corral a herd of cats while reciting Shakespeare backwards. But fear not, for I come bearing tales from the land where even death can’t escape a good dose of humor.

Picture this: you’re minding your own business, maybe enjoying a pint down at the local, when suddenly you hear it – the ominous sound of the boccie. You know what that means. Someone’s kicked the bucket, and it’s time to put on your best funeral face.

Now, in most places, upon hearing such news, the appropriate response might be a somber nod or a sympathetic pat on the back. But not in Ireland, oh no. Here, it’s more like:

“I knew it was going to happen, heard the boccie last night.”

“Your husband’s dead.”

“Jesus, Dad!”

“Sorry, sorry, sorry for the loss. Now, go straight on to stop working against me.”

And so it begins. The Irish gift for mixing tragedy with comedy is truly unparalleled. Within minutes, mourners are trading stories of who’s next in line for the chopping block, while simultaneously debating the best route to the afterlife.

“Did you hear ol’ Murphy’s not too well either?”

“Yeah, that’s head on Martin’s dance, I checked.”

“A little bit of prickles, life. Very sorry is enough.”

But of course, no Irish funeral would be complete without a healthy dose of family drama. Cue the distant relatives coming out of the woodwork, all vying for a piece of the proverbial pie.

“Did you journey harvest off his computer?”

“I have the board. This is not a confession.”

“Okay, can we take this? Okay, that’s their people honking. Maria thought it could be tragedy. Give me – I’ll give me morose, give me depression.”

And just when you think things couldn’t possibly get any more chaotic, in walks Granny Flo, armed with her own unique brand of wisdom and a penchant for stirring the pot.

“You know, I have to commend you on your choice of vehicle here today. Well done.”

“I just think it’s the holiest thing I can say.”

“Yeah, you say it’s the religion. You can kiss it.”

But amidst the chaos and the laughter, there’s a sense of camaraderie, a shared understanding that in the end, we’re all just passing through. And maybe, just maybe, that’s what makes an Irish funeral truly special.

So here’s to the laughter, the tears, and the inevitable family feuds. May we all go out with a bang, surrounded by loved ones and enough Guinness to last a lifetime.

And remember, no matter how dire the situation may seem, there’s always room for one more joke at Death’s expense. After all, if you can’t laugh in the face of mortality, what can you do?

Until next time, may your wakes be merry and your hangovers manageable.

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Never Ask A Newsreader To Speak At A Funeral

Never Ask A Newsreader To Speak At A Funeral
Never Ask A Newsreader To Speak At A Funeral

Last updated May 29, 2023


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